Tag Archives: self

Stu’s Birthday & Dreadlocks Update

It was Stu’s 33rd birthday a couple of weeks ago, as you may have read in my previous post I’m not rolling in pay cheques at the moment so I wanted to make his birthday really fun without splashing the cash.

I decided I would make him an Alien cake as he is so into UFO’s Aliens and the unexplained. I looked online for some inspiration and found  beautifully crafted realistic (as can be I suppose) Alien cake.

It definitely didn’t turn out quite as I had hoped and was a bit more out there than I was going for but hey these things are supposed to be fun! I had fun making it, although I did cheat and made the sponge from a box mix as I wanted it to be red velvet inside to resemble the inside of an aliens head. You can see his reaction in the video I made below:

16508306_10155131573507868_740746335572391183_n

If you have been to or live in Australia then you will know how breathtaking the Whitsundays are. I pinch myself every day waking up to another day in this place! On Stu’s birthday we did pressies, played with our housemates dog and then went down to a one of our favourite local Bowen beaches (Grey’s Bay) for a morning swim. Showered and changed we then drove out towards a beautiful (I’ve heard) beach resort in Gloucester Passage called Monte’s, and it was closed! We were gutted as it was 40 minutes out of our way and we were absolutely starving, but instead we went to Dingo Beach Pub, only 10 minutes from Monte’s. It turned out really nice there, and Stu still enjoyed the birthday lunch he was looking forward to.

We were pretty tired by the time we got home after an early start so we had a quiet one, with the guys enjoying some alien cake after some traditional happy birthday-ing.

Happy birthday to my fave human around!

We also decided to cut Stu’s dreadlocks, well he decided that he wanted them to be shorter, they were way past his bum and causing his neck and back to hurt (plus they were dangerously close to dipping in the toilet!) so we took 10 inches off each dreadlock! They are still long but it definitely relieved him of some of the weight!

I decided I was tired of being stuck with the one hairstyle a few months before and finally I brushed out my dreadlocks, which is definitely a better option than shaving your head! It is more time consuming, but so is growing hair!

I enrolled a very kind friend Emma who helped me brush some out and then every day I would tackle a good handful by myself, a LOT of hair came out but apparently that is the hair that would have otherwise naturally fallen when you brush your hair. It was super frizzy and broken, I don’t have any pictures but I do have photos of my hair now post dreads. I would say it has taken about a month after brushing the dreads out for my hair to feel super soft and shiny and healthy again.

Me being me, I put a semi permanent blue dye through my previously blonde bits cos I can’t handle too much beige in my life.

16976809_10155174286927868_2127724706_n.jpg

I loved having dreadlocks at the time, but now I look forward to having more versatile hair style. Sleeping was definitely a problem, and especially living in such a hot climate as North Queensland, it is truly delightful to dip your head in the ocean sans dreads.

Having dreadlocks was a cool experience and part of my journey but now I look forward to some loose hair adventures!

If you have dreadlocks or are thinking of getting them then please know that it doesn’t have to be for forever.

Much love,

Hippy Hoo Ha

x

Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

HAPPY. CONTENT. POSITIVE. SHOULD BE STRESSED?

16195364_10155086869747868_3920677870167286870_n

Grey’s Bay, Bowen

Lately things have been kinda stressful, especially if I take a step back, looking from the outward in, but from my point of view, (especially or mainly due to the daily yoga practice I’ve been doing since January 1st) I don’t feel stressed, although I know there are some pressing matters that I should probably feel pretty darn stressed about.

Do you ever feel like you should feel stressed, like almost society says you should be stressed out by something and so you kind of play it out?

I haven’t done that so far, apart from acknowledging that I am in a potentially stressful place if I choose to accept it. I’m going to be brutally honest here.

16559132_10155123903552868_13656560_nI have less money in the bank than I am comfortable with, although I have no debts, no credit cards, no mortgage to pay off, so in many ways I am in fact free-er than the average home owner. (except I don’t have the joy of owning a home!)

Last year I earned more money than I think I have any other year of my life, I felt rich! I had a steady income, worked my butt off and was very happy. I’m glad for that as it helped me to make so many precious memories and journeys. I have lived work-free on and off for many months, living a life of luxury!  (Mainly because of lack of work not from choice!)

However, I have a visa to renew before November costing nearly $7000 aud.

It is looming over me.

I am working to a bit of a deadline, but there is a need that I must fulfil, I have to make it happen as no one else can. So, here goes, I’m gonna do my darnedest to create the life we want.

The biggest problem I’ve faced so far is that being on a working holiday visa, commonly known as a backpacker visa, means that any full time work I apply for is instantly rejected and so I am constantly applying for jobs, and if I get far enough then going to interviews and finally  being rejected when they find out my visa situation. It gets slightly disheartening, but I won’t stop trying!

It’s a catch 22 situation, no work because of my visa and no new visa applied for yet, because I don’t have the money to apply for it.

Anyway, my point is that I am trying out this new thing, called “Not freaking out about things.” I am just trying my best, staying positive, and taking whatever casual work I can to keep us afloat, which will hopefully lead to something more permanent. I have found that keeping tabs on my positivity levels and staying happy and thankful for what I have, makes me way more productive and likely to be able to get through any challenging times.

16265623_10155074687152868_5119030073972085394_n

Murray’s Bay, Bowen

After my visa comes through (Please accept me Australia!), we have big plans for the longterm. Buy a property to renovate eventually, (possibly where we are living now, in Bowen, possibly not) have our own boat and live in North Queensland with some beautiful dogs in a GORGEOUS place near to the beach that we’ve made our own. Our door always open to parents, siblings, friends and naughty nieces & nephews to visit.

Oohhh I can just see it all!

Side Note: (Say HELLO to ZEUS, the little puppy we are adopting, who will be ours on Saturday!)

16652863_10155123903447868_1608209841_n

Our new family member, Zeus

So that’s the dream! We’ve found our little piece of heaven in each other and now it’s time to make it our home!

16708280_10155143176082868_1264138703269980855_n

Dingo Beach

Definitely a time to remember that making your dreams a reality isn’t always easy, but it’s worth a try.

You just gotta take it one step at a time.

My top five stress relieving tips:

  1. Daily exercise routine. No matter how much time you have to spare, take a little time out of your day even if it’s just 10 minutes to do a short relaxation yoga or meditation video on Youtube, or going for a short walk. You’ll often want to do more than you’ve planned on once there, and if not that’s okay. This will also help you sleep better as it really clears your mind and is a natural stress reliever. I highly recommend Yoga With Adriene’s videos.
  2. Following on from the last point, Sleep! I can be a terrible sleeper especially when I know I have something important to do the next day. It always seems to be once my head hits the pillow all of my worries crawl out of the shadows. I try to encourage a good nights sleep for myself by being productive during the day, keeping a notebook and pen beside my bed to jot down anything I remember I need to do and preparing what I’ll need for the next day – even just laying out my outfit and shoes, or re-organising my handbag helps me. A cup of tea also helps me to unwind and chill out. If I wake up in the night or can’t sleep, I go to the toilet, drink some water, write down whatever is bothering me and try again.
  3. Talk to someone. I find just voicing my fears or troubles to someone close to me can help to understand things from another perspective and it also helps to feel supported, receive suggestions and to help come up with solutions. It really helps to feel less alone. Everyone gets stressed out and if you meet up with a friend to do something fun such as go out for a walk or lunch for a chat, or have someone over for movies or drinks, then you can feel some clarity whilst having fun, which can help to eradicate negative emotions surrounding you. You may also realise that your positive friend has some stressful situations going on in their life and that can put your issues into perspective
  4. Tidy up your life. If you’re already stressed, it certainly doesn’t help to be surrounded by chaos, and I find that organising my clothes or even just hoovering and cleaning a little helps to make me feel less stressed out. You know where everything is and it feels calming to be in a nice environment and while that certainly doesn’t fix the reason you are stressing out, it definitely helps you to focus on what is important. Writing lists, making a bullet journal, buying a fancy new notebook to make plans in or even just pampering yourself a little can definitely help. I bought a new Doona cover the other day from Woolies on sale for $10, it has brightened up our bedroom and I definitely have been feeling happier and more relaxed from such a simple difference.
  5. Change it up. As Einstein said “The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, but expecting different results” I’m a big believer in moving out of your comfort zone, even if you don’t like it, at least you tried. If you are scared of flying then maybe book a fun trip with friends, if you  hate your job or where you live then why not go volunteer or teach abroad for a few months, if you are sad about being unfit why not join the gym or make up your own fitness regime. Sadly it can be easier to come up with excuses. Something that sometimes helps me, as strange as it sounds to say it, I think of life like a challenge. I don’t want the game to be over and for me to still be on level one. I want to have felt emotions, been places, met people, been scared, got stronger, pushed myself. There is a danger of living a slightly boring existence full of regrets if you don’t push out of your comfort zone. And remember that it is NEVER too late to start. Sometimes when life is frustrating and you feel you are getting nowhere, you have to light it up yourself. You’ll be waiting a long time if you expect anybody else to make a change happen aside from you.

14079660_10154592587352868_1921025694894718414_n

Thank you so much for reading, I hope it helps if you are feeling a little stressed out at the moment.

Lots of love,

Hippy Hoo Ha x

Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

An Open Apology

“This is a blog that I wrote as a draft way back in December. I read it tonight in my massive draft archive of blogs that I’ve never posted and I thought ‘Yeah I’m gonna publish this’ so here ya go! Why be afraid to express yourself and how you really feel or have felt? To feel is to be alive and to express that is to inspire so I hope one person can relate to this.”

I’m sure everyone has felt at some point that they wish they had said certain things to certain people.Be it ‘sorry’, ‘I love you’, or whatever. I find it hard at the moment to sleep well at night due to all these thoughts running through my mind, and I have an overwhelming urge to write some of those thoughts out.

No-one is perfect and we cant always be right, we all have times in our life that we look back on and cringe at what we did or said. I definitely feel like there are many people worthy of an apology from me. It’s a bit crazy to suddenly apologize to people you keep in contact with and who to be quite honest may not realize you feel so bad about a past situation. So, this blog post is not just about apologizing to others,it is about apologizing to and forgiving myself. I’m speaking openly to everyone I have ever hurt and seeking (though also giving) forgiveness in the process.

I have been in a really up and down place over the last few years (maybe nearly 5 years), and I realized the deeply personal implications of a long term relationship deteriorating, breaking up and then literally turning my whole world upside down. Alcohol & drug abuse, anti-depressants and coming off them suddenly in a place where there is no-one to confide in, eating disorders, losing my job, using others to make me happy short term, being used, trying to work out if I am doing the right thing & what the hell the ‘right thing’ is,  plus all of the ‘What am I gonna do with my life‘ & ‘Am I gonna be alone forever‘ moments….over and over and over.

Until, BOOM! I would end up in the same place as always, curled up and cosy in bed questioning who the hell I was, alone and confused and ashamed of who I think I had become and all of the things I had done.

I have let who I think I am and who I think others think I am become who I am over the last few years. Too shy to be openly me, always trying to fit in, desperate for recognition, desperate for comfort, for someone to want me for who I am if they could give me a chance to open up, or someone to sit with me, cuddle in and tell me I’m okay.

Desperate, sad little old me. 

That is true, and that is who I was.

Desperate, lonely and very, very sad.

I thought when you hit rock bottom, it could only get better after that. I must have hit rock bottom hundreds of times thinking ‘Okay, this is bad but it can only get better right?‘ but it just got worse and worse and worse.

This is not for anyone to pity me, this is an explanation and hopefully some form of apology to people who encountered me on my rock, rock, rock bottom trip. This is also to help people who feel like I have felt to see that it doesn’t last forever, things get better, you get stronger and you can be yourself again. To all who I interacted with on such a low level emotionally and sociably, all I can ask is that maybe you read this and understand a little more, that we aren’t all who we seem. We all experience struggles and pit falls at many points in our lives, caused by many factors.

I may have been an absolute disgrace or maybe I wasn’t in your eyes, but (in mine I was) I wont sleep until I get it all out.

I’m sorry if you got more than you bargained for from me, if I was a handful, a pain in the ass, or over the top. I’m sorry if I wasn’t enough, if I disappointed your expectations or I was weak. I’m sorry if I pressured you, pissed you off, or gave you a wrong kind of hope. I am really genuinely so sorry.

I made plans to sort my hectic self out and on the way I met an amazing partner. Now I am on the other side of the world with the love of my life. We are balanced individuals and make each other happy every day. Without him I feel happy and with him words can’t explain. If it wasn’t for all of the madness I wonder if I would have met him.

Words of advice to anyone who feels like I felt: Make a change!

You can’t keep doing the same things and expect a different result! Make plans, write lists, know deep down what you need to be happy.

I came across a book called The Spiritual Guide to Attracting Love one day going cheap in The Works. I bought it and I completed one of the suggested activities. ( I bought this book as a general well-being book not as a search for a partner) This activity was to make a page up of pictures of what you wanted your life to be like, be it career, relationship, lifestyle etc. I decided to a general lifestyle with what I imagined my life to be like, including how I saw my future self in a happy relationship. I set it as the wallpaper on my computer so that I saw it every day.

The similarities in my compilation of images to my current life are uncanny and I couldn’t be more thankful. I met Stu in October 2014 after making many necessary changes to my life.

I’ll never stop being thankful of how far I’ve come and the people who stood by me when I was a bit crazy.

I am by no means perfect but I am truly the happiest I have been in at least 5 years. Be thankful everyday for what you have, who you wake up next to, be aware of who you surround yourself with and never settle for less than you deserve. To this day I still feel very shy in social circumstances, unless (& even sometimes when) I am around close friends or family. I’m working hard to overcome this fear of being judged by others and writing this definitely had helped me release some of my emotions surrounding my past.

Your past does not define you.

 

 

 

 

Tagged

When did it become okay to tell someone you don’t like how they look?

NEVER.

It never became okay!

I’ve noticed a recent increase in people commenting on how I look and giving me their quite frankly unwanted opinions on my personal decisions.

11371238_1442648612704008_1777552143_n

So let me clear this up: this is for all the unwanted hair-touchers, prodders and outspoken opinion makers who I’m sure we have all encountered, and maybe if you realise you have done this you can see how rude and inappropriate you have been.

Respect is the biggest lesson to be learnt here.

Here’s 5 things all arseholes don’t realise:

  • Touching a strangers hair is inappropriate & unwelcome attention.

I cannot really find anyway to make touching a strangers hair an appropriate way to greet someone, so first of all please don’t  do it on a whim because you don’t understand it, and second of all please just don’t ask to do it. Go home and Google it or something. Most people are happy to answer any questions you have, but please don’t interrupt my private conversations. The amount of times I’ve been interrupted by a random hair toucher is unreal! I would NEVER interrupt someone to ask a dumb question so STOP IT NOW!

  • Just because I look different doesn’t  mean I want to talk to you about it

You cannot comprehend how many times I have been asked ‘What do your tattoos mean?’

I don’t ask what your hairdo means or your clothes, really please just leave me alone.

To me it’s mainly decoration, and any that I have that do mean something, what do I owe to you to tell you?

It’s not a strangers business so back the fuck up.

  • People with tattoos think its a way to relate to me:

Okay, so you have tattoos, I have tattoos, that’s great, I still don’t want to talk about mine, so please stand here and tell me for hours about how and when and where you got yours and I can try slowly slither away out of earshot. Holy Christ. I don’t wanna talk about it.

(This one is probably the bane of my life.)

  • You don’t like my hair/tattoos/piercings/image/style and feel an unbearable need to let me know:

I don’t judge you or comment on your life, so please keep your thoughts to yourself. I have a partner and I am very happy and content. I don’t need your approval and I am very aware of my life choices. It doesn’t bother me if you don’t like something about me, but I would certainly never feel the need to tell anyone friend or stranger something about their image that I personally didn’t like. Keep it to yourself! How rude of you! Live and let live!

  • You need to let me know that I’m probably going to regret that:

Oh yeah, so I never realised until you mentioned that it’s permanent.

Yeah I’ll totes regret it.

I hate your face!

(jokes)

So, what I’m trying to say is that I don’t understand why people think its okay to comment, is it because they think I want the attention? I genuinely think that some people assume that if you have tattoos and piercings and ‘mad’ hair you are doing it for attention, well you are very wrong.

I along with most other people who are seen as alternative are just being who we are.

I understand why people ask about these things but most of the time I get asked in a very rude manner. I worded this post in a jokey manner to try keep it fun. I am never rude to people who do ask me about things, but I would live a simpler life without this hassle as I’m sure a lot of people would too.

I choose to live my life this way and I like to decorate my body, I would never dream of asking someone why they don’t have body modifications so please give us a break and realise that we don’t all live our lives  in the same way!

* as a back note I’d like to say that I understand genuine human curiosity and that I can respect that and I can tell the people who are genuinely curious from the invasive rude people! Most of you are just lovely, it’s just a small percentage that lets us down.

Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

I just want to make a house, with our hands.

I just want to find a place, a beach.

I just want to make a house, with our hands.

I just want to hold the earth and squeeze it tight.

I want to hold you in my arms, surrounded by the ground that we made into a home.

I want to see you everyday.

I want to taste new tastes with you.

I want to wake up with you.

I want to wander around.

I want to wonder.

I wonder.

10848351_1500668386888084_1501554560_n

Lets wander the lands whilst we can, and please, kiss me.

Always, kiss me.

I love you and I want you to hold my hand forever.

No-one else can hold me like you do.

No-one else can make me laugh like you do.

Tagged , , , , , , ,

I had a daydream.

Have you noticed that there’s loads of folk working their butts off and getting no free time, no chance of a holiday, no money for fun times, no time for family and friends and smiles and laughter, and who are also meanwhile, drowning in a downwards spiral, deeply consumed in debt.

I have literally, as I type, just come up with the solution.

Imagine…..

Why can’t everybody work 3 days out of 7, where your job could be allocated to you according to your mobility, skills, motivation etc.

Thats just threeeee days of say 8 hour work.

Four days off.

The three days that suit you best, you work.

Negotiated.

Subject to change.

You might end up settling for a job you wouldn’t love, but everyone does that anyway, so it couldn’t be worse. And it’s worth it cos you get so much free time.

Plus, folk in higher positions would be getting the same pay as say their receptionist, so there would be more pressure for actual work to be done, as they are working for the status rather than the money and therefore have to actually earn respect.

Then it wouldn’t just be the weekends that businesses like nail bars, restaurants, takeaways, hair salons, clubs and bars would get busy. It’d become a consistent flow for them, plus they’d have employees who were enthusiastic because they’d also get spare time for themselves. And no one would mind working weekends because everyday is great.

Weekends wouldn’t exist.

There would be people having nights off all over the place so life would be really social and people would connect with each other.

There’d be a really high wage so that everyone gets paid the same no matter their job, and so all a job really would mean is status, or if not, then  a purpose, rather than focused on money and a divide between the rich and the poor. If everyone sacrificed the same amount of time and was paid the same, then the only difference between the ‘well off’ and ‘not so’, would be their ability to not spend money. So in fact the money savvy poorer folk would probably, ironically become the richest.

Just a thought.

On another note before you get all defensive, I know it wont be anywhere near happening at the moment, because our lives now rely on competition between a few massive companies who own most of the brands out there. It doesn’t make economical sense for them to make things accessible to everyone. Then you cant justify charging crazy amounts for products because their designers would actually have to be good, and the banks couldn’t get you into debt and you wouldn’t waste your money on absolute crap.  (Because life would be so good, and you would be incredibly valued,  happy and fulfilled.)

Of course also the world we live in relies on the rich/poor divide. It makes me so sad and the extremes are so unnecessary.

I hate the commercialism we seem to get wrapped up in, and I’m trying really hard to not mention last Fridays events.

Consume. Consume. Consume.

No one wants you to be happy and fulfilled as much as I do, well apart from all of the other beautiful freethinking humans on the earth here with you.

artblog

If it wasn’t for the dreamers, life would be so dull.

The creatives, the musicians, the extroverts, the introverts, the artists, the free thinkers, the seemingly average Joes: every body deep down wants to be live happily and fulfilled.

We dont want suffering, nor do we want to suffer.

Those are the ones who can see past the money, and the things. The ones who know what that is all about and who choose to say no to the system, or at least understand it and acknowledge its existence.

If you think that one person can’t make a difference then you are most definitely mistaken.

We are not just flesh and blood. We have an immense power within us, that has been replaced with a fixation on material things, so rather than search deep inside ourselves for our contentment and peace, we think that want the biggest, bestest, newest, most designerest ‘thing’.

It’s madness.

The real maniacs are the ones who think this is normal behaviour.

Let’s not only think about this, but try to make something similar become a reality.

Just talking about it and questioning life as we are told it, is a babystep, so I’m starting there for now.

🙂

On another note, if I hear that Royal Blood song played once more on the radio tonight I’m gonna cut off my ears.

#overplayed

 

Tagged , , , ,

Greater in battle than the man who would conquer a thousand-thousand men, is he who would conquer just one — himself.

Battles.

I don’t often feel like opening up too much online about really private affairs, but I feel like I need to vent and be open so I am going to do just that right now. I found this poem online by a poet called Kelly Zion and I could instantly relate to what it was about. I knew straight away that it was the right time to talk about this.

I’m not talking about this in order to get any sort of sympathy, but instead, simply to share my experiences and thoughts and to let other people in a similar situation for whatever reason, realise that they are not alone.

This isn’t easy to write about.

For me this poem touches me because it is more about a lack of love for myself and the lack of being able to give it out, rather than other relationships. I do believe that loving yourself and having a strong sense of who you are gives you the best chance to becoming really happy.

I haven’t gone into too much unnecessary detail about some of the things mentioned in this post. There is a lot more to these issues and illnesses and I don’t mean to skim over a lot of things, but I feel that otherwise it would be really unreadable, and inappropriate.

Crying Crisis

Loveless, love your hatefulness
tell me to take a walk, I won’t be missed
Aren’t I God’s prayed for gift,
break my heart, you made me exist
kill me with your bitterness
All the times I almost made it,
I could’ve found something better than this
I could’ve found unconditional
unfictional
something that made any sense.

Take my heart, I’ll take my knife
cut it loose and give it to my true love
who I love no matter what
cause real is real and this is not
and take me out, my bitter love
my heart my heart has broken enough
last day on my broken earth
last time I’ll be standing stranded here
wanting to tell you why you are wrong

but then I start to cry because it hurts so much
this, this hurts so much
this crisis
there is no love.

-Kelly Zion

 

I have been ‘suffering’ from depression for many years now, and this last year I would say that it has really propelled and become a case of massive self hatred. To the point where more recently the simplest of things like getting out of bed is difficult at times, even showering, looking after myself in general, working, walking the dog, exercising, cooking. Even just being kind to myself or my body. Getting out and socializing  means  putting on a brave face especially as I have always been a very happy and positive social person and I often feel huge pressure to be fun and entertaining. I feel like I can no longer convince every body that I am okay. Because I’m really not. I’m really not okay.

It was triggered when I was about 20 years old whilst living in Barcelona on my own for a months holiday. I had heard a few mean, but lighthearted comments both at home and abroad about my wee belly and I stupidly  took them to heart, deciding that I was going to shed a wee bit of weight. I was by no means overweight at all, and until this point I had never really thought about food, I ate whatever I wanted and whenever I wanted it. I had good intentions to improve my body image and feel better about myself.

On that holiday, I stopped eating certain things, I started living mainly on fruit, veg and diet products and I moved out of my mums house when I got home into my own flat, which meant that I had the freedom to control exactly what I ate, or rather more accurately, what I didn’t eat.

I started college and  found it really stressful and so I filled my spare time with a grueling timetable filled with trips to the gym every other day, for hours at a time, obsessing about the perfect numbers on the machines, walking everywhere and  taking the stairs wherever I went. I packed strict lunches to take to college with me.  My energy was totally sapped, I would cry and get so worked up about college work, I was falling behind on everything and I just couldn’t see a way out. I could barely pull heavy doors in the building open as I was so weak. When I did end up giving in and eating foods I had banned or too much, I would beat myself up so much about it. I would instantly ‘see’ the weight pile onto me. Constantly body checking and feeling for the fat to arrive. I barely went out anymore. I would get massive anxiety about even just going out for dinner to a restaurant, or to a friends house, or ordering a takeaway with friends. I couldn’t enjoy it, because I would be plotting how to burn it as soon as possible. i would cry at the gym, I would lie in bed whilst my friends were out and make up excuses not to go so that i didn’t take in excess calories and could be up early to work out the next day.

Eventually my weight dropped really low and I began to have panic attacks. Somehow, I managed to hold a long term relationship together in the meantime, and to be honest if it had not been for him and one of my closest college friends, I would not have been able to see a way out of it. I was diagnosed with Anorexia and put on a waiting list to be given therapy and a dietician. I kicked and screamed and hated the thought of having to give up all of these mad behaviours and anxieties, with this total feeling of stress, anxiety and horror at being pressured to eat certain things or quantities. It was my coping mechanism, my focus and a way to deal with stress. I look back at photos now and I remember how much I hated myself and how disgusting and massive I felt at the time, whereas now I think ‘God, you looked great! What a waste!’ The other thing is that because I barely went out and it caused me so much anxiety I barely even have many photos from back then. I would just torture myself over them, seeing a totally morphed image of myself, picking out flaws and thinking of things I could do to lose a bit more weight, even though my clothes hung off me.

blognew blognew81 blognew2 blognew3 blognew4 blognew6 blognew7 blognew8ill

Now, you might look at these photos and be thinking,

‘Mate, you were not even that skinny! Shut up!’

And that’s fine, but the real long lasting damage that anorexia causes aside from physically,  is, in my case, mentally. I feel like some of the thoughts & behaviours I created will never be fully gone. It was all about having total obsessive control of my life which felt so crazy. I am genuinely sad that I wasted so many years of my life on this.

And so this leads me to the next issue. Whilst in therapy you are convinced about how you’re thought process is inaccurate and  the aim of the game is to put weight on and eat ‘normally’ again. Which is really bloody hard to try comprehend, when your whole life has become an obsession with food and weight, based upon a totally morphed self image.

So the inevitable happened, I began to put on weight and I managed to begin to let go of my obsessive behaviours, after a lot of determination and tears.  But what they don’t  tell you is that you can learn to deal with the eating of the food, but not the weight gain. So what happens? You eat and begin to think, ‘well I don’t wanna get fat again’ so you throw it up. Then you maybe realise that you are really, really great at this game and it means you can eat whatever you want and still lose weight. It’s not as simple as that though because then the madness in your mind comes back and soon you’re in a total messed up cycle of ‘eat, throw up, eat , throw up, eat, guilt, low self worth, hunger, eat, throw up’. You mess up your teeth, your face and belly get swollen, you’re moody, exhausted and nervous. You have an even more messed up view of yourself and with food. You feel absolutely out of control. Again.

So once again, I was sent back to therapy and we worked on these issues. I actually ended up getting kicked out of my most recent programme this year  for not showing up, because I felt so depressed and tired of talking about eating disorders and trying to work out why I did it, that I couldn’t face getting up to go talk about myself in a room again with someone taking notes and analyzing me. I was really hurt that I was just left to get on with it myself once they removed me from therapy (instead of calling me to see why i wasn’t making it along), but to be honest, it was the best thing that could have happened. I finally took responsibility for myself and my actions and I realised that I could decide to change my behaviours by myself. It took a lot of work and maybe therapy really did help me because I was so sick and tired of trying to explain to someone else why I was doing this to myself that i couldn’t wait to get better,  it was like Groundhog day, and near the end I would just completely avoid the subject during sessions. I became sick of it defining me.

Finally, I have come out the other side of these  eating disorders. There will always be some need for control with me, and I do still get anxious around food sometimes, it never fully goes, but I’m not starving myself anymore and I’m not binging or purging. I’m no longer either anorexic or bulimic.

Thank god for that.

Actually, no…..

Thank me for that.

Thank my family and my friends for that.

Thank the doctors and the healthcare and everyone who was concerned and helped me to get the right support, for that.

Thank you.

 

So you may ask, ‘Well why the hell are you feeling depressed if you don’t have an eating disorder anymore? You should be ecstatic!’

Great question, really great question.

I have no right answer.

I suppose I’m not fully over it all. It’s not so simple. I think years of self abuse has caught up with me. I still feel helpless a lot of the time in life.  I have panic attacks and anxiety still sometimes. I panic at forms that need filled out, I panic with bills and money and commitments. I panic about exercising too much or too little, even though I try not to get stressed about it all and I try to just be humble and kind. Sometimes I feel useless, I feel like giving up because sometimes it feels like I have failed, that my life is a massive mess and there is no point anymore. This is not true. There is meaning and a point to these hardships. I panic that people won’t like me, that they’re are judging me. That they can see all of my insecurities. That they think I look stupid or say stupid things or that I’m full of myself or not cool enough, too fat, too thin, boring, ugly. That no-one will love me, hug me, kiss me, accept me or laugh at my truly shit banter. There’s definitely a trail of destruction left behind in my life by it all.

The thing is everyone feels like this at some point in their life.  No doubt sometimes you panic too and think ‘What the bloody hell am I doing here? I’m awful! I’m failing, I’m rubbish.’

I can’t fix it straight away, but the way I’m trying to look at it is that I might look a bit rougher round the edges than when I was 7 stone and running everyday, but I’m way closer to fulfilling the life I want to lead. With the right kind of help, a great attitude, a life balance and the knowledge that whatever I end up doing in a year will be freaking fantastic, I have total faith in myself. It’s been 8 long years of battling with this disease. I am definitely older and wiser and have learnt to cope with it at last.

I have faith in you too, no matter what your battle may be. You may even be affected by similar issues.

 

It can be really hard to talk about these things, especially because you don’t want people to make fun of you or disown you or talk about it behind your back. I really don’t care anymore. It’s time to talk about it, so I can really move on. Judge away. If I help one other person see that they’re not alone in this then it is totally worth it.

The best advice I could give you is to open up to people around you.

Share your fears and struggles with someone you trust.

I wish I could have chatted t o someone who understood what I was going through at the time.

If you’re having any issues, and you would like to talk to someone who understands, then feel free to contact me. I promise I will respond.

You’ll get through this. It doesn’t always feel like it but there is always a way.

I think the key is to learn how to cope with who you are and accept yourself rather than trying to change or fight who you have become.

We need to accept our pasts and our presents and not concern ourselves with worries of the future too much. What we should have or could have done is irrelevant. Learn from these mistakes and situations. They make us and shape us and we come out stronger. You are not alone. You are not the first, and you certainly wont be the last.

Just don’t give up.

Hippy Hoo Ha

Greater in battle
than the man who would conquer
a thousand-thousand men,
is he who would conquer
just one —
himself.

 

 

Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
%d bloggers like this: