Tag Archives: food

HAPPY. CONTENT. POSITIVE. SHOULD BE STRESSED?

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Grey’s Bay, Bowen

Lately things have been kinda stressful, especially if I take a step back, looking from the outward in, but from my point of view, (especially or mainly due to the daily yoga practice I’ve been doing since January 1st) I don’t feel stressed, although I know there are some pressing matters that I should probably feel pretty darn stressed about.

Do you ever feel like you should feel stressed, like almost society says you should be stressed out by something and so you kind of play it out?

I haven’t done that so far, apart from acknowledging that I am in a potentially stressful place if I choose to accept it. I’m going to be brutally honest here.

16559132_10155123903552868_13656560_nI have less money in the bank than I am comfortable with, although I have no debts, no credit cards, no mortgage to pay off, so in many ways I am in fact free-er than the average home owner. (except I don’t have the joy of owning a home!)

Last year I earned more money than I think I have any other year of my life, I felt rich! I had a steady income, worked my butt off and was very happy. I’m glad for that as it helped me to make so many precious memories and journeys. I have lived work-free on and off for many months, living a life of luxury!  (Mainly because of lack of work not from choice!)

However, I have a visa to renew before November costing nearly $7000 aud.

It is looming over me.

I am working to a bit of a deadline, but there is a need that I must fulfil, I have to make it happen as no one else can. So, here goes, I’m gonna do my darnedest to create the life we want.

The biggest problem I’ve faced so far is that being on a working holiday visa, commonly known as a backpacker visa, means that any full time work I apply for is instantly rejected and so I am constantly applying for jobs, and if I get far enough then going to interviews and finally  being rejected when they find out my visa situation. It gets slightly disheartening, but I won’t stop trying!

It’s a catch 22 situation, no work because of my visa and no new visa applied for yet, because I don’t have the money to apply for it.

Anyway, my point is that I am trying out this new thing, called “Not freaking out about things.” I am just trying my best, staying positive, and taking whatever casual work I can to keep us afloat, which will hopefully lead to something more permanent. I have found that keeping tabs on my positivity levels and staying happy and thankful for what I have, makes me way more productive and likely to be able to get through any challenging times.

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Murray’s Bay, Bowen

After my visa comes through (Please accept me Australia!), we have big plans for the longterm. Buy a property to renovate eventually, (possibly where we are living now, in Bowen, possibly not) have our own boat and live in North Queensland with some beautiful dogs in a GORGEOUS place near to the beach that we’ve made our own. Our door always open to parents, siblings, friends and naughty nieces & nephews to visit.

Oohhh I can just see it all!

Side Note: (Say HELLO to ZEUS, the little puppy we are adopting, who will be ours on Saturday!)

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Our new family member, Zeus

So that’s the dream! We’ve found our little piece of heaven in each other and now it’s time to make it our home!

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Dingo Beach

Definitely a time to remember that making your dreams a reality isn’t always easy, but it’s worth a try.

You just gotta take it one step at a time.

My top five stress relieving tips:

  1. Daily exercise routine. No matter how much time you have to spare, take a little time out of your day even if it’s just 10 minutes to do a short relaxation yoga or meditation video on Youtube, or going for a short walk. You’ll often want to do more than you’ve planned on once there, and if not that’s okay. This will also help you sleep better as it really clears your mind and is a natural stress reliever. I highly recommend Yoga With Adriene’s videos.
  2. Following on from the last point, Sleep! I can be a terrible sleeper especially when I know I have something important to do the next day. It always seems to be once my head hits the pillow all of my worries crawl out of the shadows. I try to encourage a good nights sleep for myself by being productive during the day, keeping a notebook and pen beside my bed to jot down anything I remember I need to do and preparing what I’ll need for the next day – even just laying out my outfit and shoes, or re-organising my handbag helps me. A cup of tea also helps me to unwind and chill out. If I wake up in the night or can’t sleep, I go to the toilet, drink some water, write down whatever is bothering me and try again.
  3. Talk to someone. I find just voicing my fears or troubles to someone close to me can help to understand things from another perspective and it also helps to feel supported, receive suggestions and to help come up with solutions. It really helps to feel less alone. Everyone gets stressed out and if you meet up with a friend to do something fun such as go out for a walk or lunch for a chat, or have someone over for movies or drinks, then you can feel some clarity whilst having fun, which can help to eradicate negative emotions surrounding you. You may also realise that your positive friend has some stressful situations going on in their life and that can put your issues into perspective
  4. Tidy up your life. If you’re already stressed, it certainly doesn’t help to be surrounded by chaos, and I find that organising my clothes or even just hoovering and cleaning a little helps to make me feel less stressed out. You know where everything is and it feels calming to be in a nice environment and while that certainly doesn’t fix the reason you are stressing out, it definitely helps you to focus on what is important. Writing lists, making a bullet journal, buying a fancy new notebook to make plans in or even just pampering yourself a little can definitely help. I bought a new Doona cover the other day from Woolies on sale for $10, it has brightened up our bedroom and I definitely have been feeling happier and more relaxed from such a simple difference.
  5. Change it up. As Einstein said “The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, but expecting different results” I’m a big believer in moving out of your comfort zone, even if you don’t like it, at least you tried. If you are scared of flying then maybe book a fun trip with friends, if you  hate your job or where you live then why not go volunteer or teach abroad for a few months, if you are sad about being unfit why not join the gym or make up your own fitness regime. Sadly it can be easier to come up with excuses. Something that sometimes helps me, as strange as it sounds to say it, I think of life like a challenge. I don’t want the game to be over and for me to still be on level one. I want to have felt emotions, been places, met people, been scared, got stronger, pushed myself. There is a danger of living a slightly boring existence full of regrets if you don’t push out of your comfort zone. And remember that it is NEVER too late to start. Sometimes when life is frustrating and you feel you are getting nowhere, you have to light it up yourself. You’ll be waiting a long time if you expect anybody else to make a change happen aside from you.

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Thank you so much for reading, I hope it helps if you are feeling a little stressed out at the moment.

Lots of love,

Hippy Hoo Ha x

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Living the happy life.

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Mindil Beach Sunset, Darwin

As our four month anniversary of ‘donga’ living (basically a small container with enough space to swing a carrot) whilst working on the Sandalwood plantation drew closer, myself & Stu began to feel more and more claustrophobic and grew tired of the repetitive work on the plantation. The planting season had passed, and the novelty of a five or six hour round trip each weekend to the nearest supermarket had worn off. The work available to me fizzled out slowly as I was not willing to work or be exposed to a chemical (Glufosonate) used widely in farming (which in my opinion should be against the law for it’s detrimental effects on the environment and it’s inhabitants.) However, the company we worked for were understanding of my choice and did make a huge effort to provide alternative work for me in the last couple of weeks. Finally, during one of our trips to Darwin (most weekends from the plantation at Douglas Daly), we managed to organise a place to stay and a part-time job each. We handed in our notice, and bundled up/organised four months worth of accumulated nonsense from camp into ” Lil’ Rover”

We now live in a beautiful house on stilts in the Stuart Park area of Darwin. It is within a 20 minute walk of the CBD and a cycle away to anywhere I could dream of going in Darwin due to it’s pocket sized city status and plentiful cycle paths. I just had to buy a bike! A $50 Gumtree bargain, AND it’s purple with a basket on the front!

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Date night at Nirvana, Darwin

Darwin is an excellent city, it is still catching up with the rest of the world as far as vegan options go in my opinion, ( although it is exciting to think maybe we can maybe get together with others to organise a vegan food/beer festival next year) but saying that, there are many options at the local markets, and I seem to always miss the chance to get to them! I am also eagerly awaiting the day that I am in the right place at the right time and get to try one of Petra’s Raw Cakes: They look out of this world! (Stu if you are reading this…it’s my birthday next month..Please get me a slice! ) I haven’t made it around a lot of the cafes which have vegan options as we usually just eat at home, but I did have an outstanding Acai bowl at Cafe Eco one morning, and a beautiful meal at Nirvana, my new favourite restaurant. I have also organised a vegan potluck down at the beach next month, something a few years ago I would feel too low in confidence or un-motivated to do! Darwin is definitely working for me!

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Cafe Eco: Delicious Acai Bowl

Since moving to Darwin, I have gone out by myself to gigs and events by myself a couple of times, something I would never do back at home, and through doing this I have made many friends. The funny things is, since my last blog post who would have thought we would be where we are now?!It acts as a great reminder that keeping these blogs going is such an excellent means of keeping tabs on my progress over many weeks, months and years! I definitely recommend starting a blog to anyone who feels they need somewhere to put their thoughts. I have so many drafts of things I just had to write down at the time, but will probably never share, and sometimes if I feel I want to, I go back, finish or edit my drafts and publish them. For me it is very therapeutic.

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At Chippo Live, a brilliant music venue in Darwin

I have also been making videos of my time here, and even made a video for a charitable cause to help publicise a friends charity event. If you’re interested in seeing my videos, my Youtube is here, and I intend to film and upload more of my adventures. I really enjoy the process of creating these little snippets of life and look forward to having them to look back on at a later date.

On that note, I also have been thinking a lot about what it is I really want to do. What really makes me happy. Travel is definitely up there, and I’m definitely doing that! The whole genre of creating things is also where I’m at, I love making something that wasn’t there before. I was thinking about how I want to find a tattoo apprenticeship again as i had a bad experience back in Scotland at a studio I worked for. For some reason I let this one bad tattoo shop owner belittle & bully me for how I looked/ my tattoos etc until I left my apprenticeship and it has forever tainted the whole thing for me. I know in my heart it is what I want to do, it is my dream job and I know that I am good enough and have the skills to do it, so I am going to. I don’t quite know where or how, but I am putting it out there and I am being pro-active, and currently working on creating a proper sketchbook of my art. My 30th birthday is rapidly approaching, and rather than let the feeling of age-ing hold me back, I am going to embrace it and put everything I have into creating the life that I wish for.

Thanks for reading, I hope you follow your dreams too. Don’t forget to put your wishes out into the universe!

Love, Morv

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If you wish to see my artwork my Facebook art page is here.

 

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Vegucation

Since everyone is always like ‘Oooh, but what do you eat?’ when they find out I’m vegan, I just wanted to clarify that eating vegan is just like eating ‘normally’ I guess.

It’s very tasty ( in my opinion) you’ve just gotta be creative, but simple lunches such as avocado on toast which I have most lunchtimes ‘cos I’m lazy ( and it makes me happy!) are brilliant too 🙂 I think of being vegan as being less selfish to what I am told is tasty by advertising and taking hold on what I know is actually tasty and cruelty free food. If you don’t agree with people eating dogs then why is it okay in your mind to drink a mother cows milk (meant for her calves btw) and also to eat chickens and basically their eggs (or periods depending how you look at it). We have been taught from a young age that these things are okay but did you ever stop and question it? You can eat vegan and still be really unhealthy, many unhealthy highly processed foods are vegan, but for most vegans avoiding processed foods and featuring as many fresh, healthful foods is key!

Most vegans feel that by not eating meat or dairy, or buying any animal products they are making a sacrifice that has a somewhat small impact on the lives of other beings on this planet. Some people feel that vegans force their views on others. In reality most vegans are trying to support beings that have no voice. I can’t speak for every vegan out there but I know that, without forcing it on others, I feel that my choices do have a positive effect on the animals of this world and the environment. No matter how small one persons choices are, ultimately these build and DO eventually make an impact.

I’ve also noticed that there seems to be a massive divide between meat eaters and vegans, and I understand if you love your steak, as my boyfriend loves his meat, but he also accommodates for my vegan diet when we spend time together, and I respect his diet. We aren’t some mad race of lunatics who criticise other people who are different from us every move. I fully embrace people who just make a change that can make a difference. Cutting out dairy for instance can make a huge impact. Or even just lessening the amount of meat you consume. It’s better for your health, the environment too!

Please don’t hate us!

I am vegan because I love animals. I love my pet dog, Lola. I started to feel ill from consuming dairy products and I researched it and I realised what was going on. I stopped eating meat when I couldn’t see a difference between my beloved dog and a cow in a farm. Why is a horse better than a cow? Why is a dog better than a sheep? Why is a dolphin better than a whale or shark? Are we judging this on looks or what? I’m not sure but things need to change!

There’s this whole protein argument, but there are healthy natural ways to get protein rather from killing and consuming animals.

Please think about it next time you buy a steak, and when you buy a pizza, that cheese was made from milk meant for the cows calf which was taken from it just after birth. I’m not exaggerating,  this is TRUTH.

Why are we being hated on for being good people.

It’s time to stop being so selfish.

If you love bacon or eggs, then that’s okay give up something you find easy to at first.

It took years for me to become a full on vegan, you cant just become vegan overnight, as you’ll definitely stumble. Cutting out things as you educate yourself is the way I found best. I watched documentaries and found I no longer could stomach certain foods.

I consider myself an ethical vegan but I certainly reap the health benefits.

It takes years to learn, and adjust.

It is a little to give up for a lot of happiness worldwide.

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I thought I’d make some points:

  1. It’s very cheap to be vegan! A weekly shop for me will be something like: bread, avocados, potatoes, sweet potatoes, onions, garlic, squash, lettuce, cucumber, many bananas for smoothies, tomatoes, Vegemite, lentils, chickpeas, agave nectar, frozen peas, rice.
  2. You feel good: You are eating fresh unprocessed food, I’m pretty sure every diet book you ever read encouraged this!
  3. You lose weight: Your body understands the food you’re eating and can digest it well. It took a few months but I started to lose weight after keeping at it!
  4. You have more energy: As long as you make sure you take vitamin B12 every day( a necessity) and keep your iron levels high (that’s why its so important to not eat junk vegan food! You must eat healthy natural fresh food!) you will fell great, you will naturally lose weight and being slim is much easier than ever before.
  5. You feel closer to the world around you.
  6. You taste more: Plain simple foods taste amazing! You have less need for sauces and salt. I had a big bowl of mashed potato for dinner and it was delicious.
  7. Educate yourself and find your own path. If vegan-ism sparks an interest in you then explore it. Don’t be ashamed of it and follow your own path 🙂 Your choices no matter how big or small make a difference!

My boyfriend makes a mean Vegan Dahl

Jamie Oliver’s Vegan Shepherd’s Pie is outta this world and I’ve enjoyed this with many meat eating pals

Vegan Sushi is my go to easy meal

And if you can’t let go of your favourite junk foods, here;s a must follow for your needs!

Accidentally Vegan who bring you all of the foods you never knew but always hoped were vegan!

If you don’t want to be vegan or you think I’m talking rubbish, that’s okay and I wont take offence to it 🙂

Happy Tuesday!

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When did it become okay to tell someone you don’t like how they look?

NEVER.

It never became okay!

I’ve noticed a recent increase in people commenting on how I look and giving me their quite frankly unwanted opinions on my personal decisions.

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So let me clear this up: this is for all the unwanted hair-touchers, prodders and outspoken opinion makers who I’m sure we have all encountered, and maybe if you realise you have done this you can see how rude and inappropriate you have been.

Respect is the biggest lesson to be learnt here.

Here’s 5 things all arseholes don’t realise:

  • Touching a strangers hair is inappropriate & unwelcome attention.

I cannot really find anyway to make touching a strangers hair an appropriate way to greet someone, so first of all please don’t  do it on a whim because you don’t understand it, and second of all please just don’t ask to do it. Go home and Google it or something. Most people are happy to answer any questions you have, but please don’t interrupt my private conversations. The amount of times I’ve been interrupted by a random hair toucher is unreal! I would NEVER interrupt someone to ask a dumb question so STOP IT NOW!

  • Just because I look different doesn’t  mean I want to talk to you about it

You cannot comprehend how many times I have been asked ‘What do your tattoos mean?’

I don’t ask what your hairdo means or your clothes, really please just leave me alone.

To me it’s mainly decoration, and any that I have that do mean something, what do I owe to you to tell you?

It’s not a strangers business so back the fuck up.

  • People with tattoos think its a way to relate to me:

Okay, so you have tattoos, I have tattoos, that’s great, I still don’t want to talk about mine, so please stand here and tell me for hours about how and when and where you got yours and I can try slowly slither away out of earshot. Holy Christ. I don’t wanna talk about it.

(This one is probably the bane of my life.)

  • You don’t like my hair/tattoos/piercings/image/style and feel an unbearable need to let me know:

I don’t judge you or comment on your life, so please keep your thoughts to yourself. I have a partner and I am very happy and content. I don’t need your approval and I am very aware of my life choices. It doesn’t bother me if you don’t like something about me, but I would certainly never feel the need to tell anyone friend or stranger something about their image that I personally didn’t like. Keep it to yourself! How rude of you! Live and let live!

  • You need to let me know that I’m probably going to regret that:

Oh yeah, so I never realised until you mentioned that it’s permanent.

Yeah I’ll totes regret it.

I hate your face!

(jokes)

So, what I’m trying to say is that I don’t understand why people think its okay to comment, is it because they think I want the attention? I genuinely think that some people assume that if you have tattoos and piercings and ‘mad’ hair you are doing it for attention, well you are very wrong.

I along with most other people who are seen as alternative are just being who we are.

I understand why people ask about these things but most of the time I get asked in a very rude manner. I worded this post in a jokey manner to try keep it fun. I am never rude to people who do ask me about things, but I would live a simpler life without this hassle as I’m sure a lot of people would too.

I choose to live my life this way and I like to decorate my body, I would never dream of asking someone why they don’t have body modifications so please give us a break and realise that we don’t all live our lives  in the same way!

* as a back note I’d like to say that I understand genuine human curiosity and that I can respect that and I can tell the people who are genuinely curious from the invasive rude people! Most of you are just lovely, it’s just a small percentage that lets us down.

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A fair point.

An open letter to you on why I do not consume eggs/dairy/meat.

Please keep reading even if you think ‘pfft… vegan arsehole’

You should be educated in what you are consuming and the activities that your consumption perpetuates. If you read this/ watch these and feel happy to continue then feel free. I believe that every body’s opinion is valued, no matter what.

We are individuals and we choose how we live our own lives.

I would never judge anybody for any of their life choices. This is your experience, and I would certainly not attack any body for their personal choices. BUT I am allowed an opinion and this is my blog after all. 🙂

I do believe however that it is very important to be connected to your food and the truth of its production.

So many people are disconnected from the true source of their food by supermarket packaging.

This video is very interesting.

The general public seem unable to connect that sausages are made from pigs….

I was vegetarian as a child for many years and then eventually started eating meat again as a teenager. My parents never really ate a lot of meat anyway, and I never particularly enjoyed red meat.

Then many years of on/off vegetarianism ensued and eventually whilst living in Spain and consuming waaaay too much milk I felt ill and looked up some documentaries on what was actually going on with the dairy industry.

I tweeted in 2012 that after watching a certain documentary, I would never touch dairy again.

I was truly disgusted.

Just because it seems normal, doesn’t make it right. There is ALOT wrong with humans consuming milk meant for baby cows.

And so dairy was the first to go.

I felt much better after cutting out dairy from my diet and didn’t miss it, although I was never a massive cheese fan. (I feel for those of you who love it and want to give it up)

Then I watched a lot of documentaries about animal treatment. Funnily enough a lot of the foods that vegetarians eat are the worst ones. Eggs and dairy.

You love animals? You wouldn’t eat a cat or dog.

Why?

If you can answer that and justify that you would eat a pig then I’d love to know. Are they cuter?

I used to eat meat and I would say that the reason why was because I hadn’t been educated on what actually goes on with factory farming.

I have friends who hunt. My boyfriend eats meat. In fact he ate the biggest steak the other day in front of me. It doesn’t bother me. I’m not trying to convert you. I’m just asking you to question or ask yourself why you eat meat?

Our ancestors did it? (P.S. They did a lot of questionable things)

The problem I guess is that the younger generations just see sausages as sausages and pigs as cute or funny, eggs as food not baby chickens (male chicks get crushed in machines btw as they can’t produce eggs)

They see cows milk as yummy and a great source of calcium, rather than milk from cows that are kept pregnant in a shed for their whole life pumped full of hormones to keep them pregnant and giving birth to baby cows who they see for 20 minutes and are then taken away and slaughtered as veal.

(Cows are pumped full of antibiotics and hormones, their milk contains pus and blood and you can get more calcium from green vegetables than from dairy milk.)

Don’t forget that the dairy and meat industry is worth millions.

Would you let your dog be pumped up to a machine all day and have its babies taken off it and sold as meat? It is a cow or a sheep or a pig but they suffer just as you or your dog or cat suffer. Animals ultimately want to survive and they pain when their young are taken away from them.

If you get angered by this, then I can only assume you are in denial. If you are going to eat meat then stand up proudly and say ‘Yes, I understand fully what goes on in this industry and I am still happy to eat it.’

If not then you are disconnected from the earth you stand on. If you cant kill it then maybe you shouldn’t eat it. Farming is not as rosy as you have been told it is so, please educate yourself.

Then feel free after that to shout at me for not being like you.

Just because I don’t eat meat doesn’t mean I want to convert you, I don’t need you to point out the flaws in everything I do. I’d like it if we could just get along.

I’m just trying to show you a truth about what you consume and maybe never thought to question before now.

There is so much suffering occurring in order for humans to obtain meat and dairy.  I consume neither and I am full up and healthy.

I feel better than I ever have.

Please watch this.

With an open mind and an open heart.

Please remember I don’t want to argue, I just want to share and if you don’t agree then that is totally cool.

Thank you.

Love you,

Morv x

 

 

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Greater in battle than the man who would conquer a thousand-thousand men, is he who would conquer just one — himself.

Battles.

I don’t often feel like opening up too much online about really private affairs, but I feel like I need to vent and be open so I am going to do just that right now. I found this poem online by a poet called Kelly Zion and I could instantly relate to what it was about. I knew straight away that it was the right time to talk about this.

I’m not talking about this in order to get any sort of sympathy, but instead, simply to share my experiences and thoughts and to let other people in a similar situation for whatever reason, realise that they are not alone.

This isn’t easy to write about.

For me this poem touches me because it is more about a lack of love for myself and the lack of being able to give it out, rather than other relationships. I do believe that loving yourself and having a strong sense of who you are gives you the best chance to becoming really happy.

I haven’t gone into too much unnecessary detail about some of the things mentioned in this post. There is a lot more to these issues and illnesses and I don’t mean to skim over a lot of things, but I feel that otherwise it would be really unreadable, and inappropriate.

Crying Crisis

Loveless, love your hatefulness
tell me to take a walk, I won’t be missed
Aren’t I God’s prayed for gift,
break my heart, you made me exist
kill me with your bitterness
All the times I almost made it,
I could’ve found something better than this
I could’ve found unconditional
unfictional
something that made any sense.

Take my heart, I’ll take my knife
cut it loose and give it to my true love
who I love no matter what
cause real is real and this is not
and take me out, my bitter love
my heart my heart has broken enough
last day on my broken earth
last time I’ll be standing stranded here
wanting to tell you why you are wrong

but then I start to cry because it hurts so much
this, this hurts so much
this crisis
there is no love.

-Kelly Zion

 

I have been ‘suffering’ from depression for many years now, and this last year I would say that it has really propelled and become a case of massive self hatred. To the point where more recently the simplest of things like getting out of bed is difficult at times, even showering, looking after myself in general, working, walking the dog, exercising, cooking. Even just being kind to myself or my body. Getting out and socializing  means  putting on a brave face especially as I have always been a very happy and positive social person and I often feel huge pressure to be fun and entertaining. I feel like I can no longer convince every body that I am okay. Because I’m really not. I’m really not okay.

It was triggered when I was about 20 years old whilst living in Barcelona on my own for a months holiday. I had heard a few mean, but lighthearted comments both at home and abroad about my wee belly and I stupidly  took them to heart, deciding that I was going to shed a wee bit of weight. I was by no means overweight at all, and until this point I had never really thought about food, I ate whatever I wanted and whenever I wanted it. I had good intentions to improve my body image and feel better about myself.

On that holiday, I stopped eating certain things, I started living mainly on fruit, veg and diet products and I moved out of my mums house when I got home into my own flat, which meant that I had the freedom to control exactly what I ate, or rather more accurately, what I didn’t eat.

I started college and  found it really stressful and so I filled my spare time with a grueling timetable filled with trips to the gym every other day, for hours at a time, obsessing about the perfect numbers on the machines, walking everywhere and  taking the stairs wherever I went. I packed strict lunches to take to college with me.  My energy was totally sapped, I would cry and get so worked up about college work, I was falling behind on everything and I just couldn’t see a way out. I could barely pull heavy doors in the building open as I was so weak. When I did end up giving in and eating foods I had banned or too much, I would beat myself up so much about it. I would instantly ‘see’ the weight pile onto me. Constantly body checking and feeling for the fat to arrive. I barely went out anymore. I would get massive anxiety about even just going out for dinner to a restaurant, or to a friends house, or ordering a takeaway with friends. I couldn’t enjoy it, because I would be plotting how to burn it as soon as possible. i would cry at the gym, I would lie in bed whilst my friends were out and make up excuses not to go so that i didn’t take in excess calories and could be up early to work out the next day.

Eventually my weight dropped really low and I began to have panic attacks. Somehow, I managed to hold a long term relationship together in the meantime, and to be honest if it had not been for him and one of my closest college friends, I would not have been able to see a way out of it. I was diagnosed with Anorexia and put on a waiting list to be given therapy and a dietician. I kicked and screamed and hated the thought of having to give up all of these mad behaviours and anxieties, with this total feeling of stress, anxiety and horror at being pressured to eat certain things or quantities. It was my coping mechanism, my focus and a way to deal with stress. I look back at photos now and I remember how much I hated myself and how disgusting and massive I felt at the time, whereas now I think ‘God, you looked great! What a waste!’ The other thing is that because I barely went out and it caused me so much anxiety I barely even have many photos from back then. I would just torture myself over them, seeing a totally morphed image of myself, picking out flaws and thinking of things I could do to lose a bit more weight, even though my clothes hung off me.

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Now, you might look at these photos and be thinking,

‘Mate, you were not even that skinny! Shut up!’

And that’s fine, but the real long lasting damage that anorexia causes aside from physically,  is, in my case, mentally. I feel like some of the thoughts & behaviours I created will never be fully gone. It was all about having total obsessive control of my life which felt so crazy. I am genuinely sad that I wasted so many years of my life on this.

And so this leads me to the next issue. Whilst in therapy you are convinced about how you’re thought process is inaccurate and  the aim of the game is to put weight on and eat ‘normally’ again. Which is really bloody hard to try comprehend, when your whole life has become an obsession with food and weight, based upon a totally morphed self image.

So the inevitable happened, I began to put on weight and I managed to begin to let go of my obsessive behaviours, after a lot of determination and tears.  But what they don’t  tell you is that you can learn to deal with the eating of the food, but not the weight gain. So what happens? You eat and begin to think, ‘well I don’t wanna get fat again’ so you throw it up. Then you maybe realise that you are really, really great at this game and it means you can eat whatever you want and still lose weight. It’s not as simple as that though because then the madness in your mind comes back and soon you’re in a total messed up cycle of ‘eat, throw up, eat , throw up, eat, guilt, low self worth, hunger, eat, throw up’. You mess up your teeth, your face and belly get swollen, you’re moody, exhausted and nervous. You have an even more messed up view of yourself and with food. You feel absolutely out of control. Again.

So once again, I was sent back to therapy and we worked on these issues. I actually ended up getting kicked out of my most recent programme this year  for not showing up, because I felt so depressed and tired of talking about eating disorders and trying to work out why I did it, that I couldn’t face getting up to go talk about myself in a room again with someone taking notes and analyzing me. I was really hurt that I was just left to get on with it myself once they removed me from therapy (instead of calling me to see why i wasn’t making it along), but to be honest, it was the best thing that could have happened. I finally took responsibility for myself and my actions and I realised that I could decide to change my behaviours by myself. It took a lot of work and maybe therapy really did help me because I was so sick and tired of trying to explain to someone else why I was doing this to myself that i couldn’t wait to get better,  it was like Groundhog day, and near the end I would just completely avoid the subject during sessions. I became sick of it defining me.

Finally, I have come out the other side of these  eating disorders. There will always be some need for control with me, and I do still get anxious around food sometimes, it never fully goes, but I’m not starving myself anymore and I’m not binging or purging. I’m no longer either anorexic or bulimic.

Thank god for that.

Actually, no…..

Thank me for that.

Thank my family and my friends for that.

Thank the doctors and the healthcare and everyone who was concerned and helped me to get the right support, for that.

Thank you.

 

So you may ask, ‘Well why the hell are you feeling depressed if you don’t have an eating disorder anymore? You should be ecstatic!’

Great question, really great question.

I have no right answer.

I suppose I’m not fully over it all. It’s not so simple. I think years of self abuse has caught up with me. I still feel helpless a lot of the time in life.  I have panic attacks and anxiety still sometimes. I panic at forms that need filled out, I panic with bills and money and commitments. I panic about exercising too much or too little, even though I try not to get stressed about it all and I try to just be humble and kind. Sometimes I feel useless, I feel like giving up because sometimes it feels like I have failed, that my life is a massive mess and there is no point anymore. This is not true. There is meaning and a point to these hardships. I panic that people won’t like me, that they’re are judging me. That they can see all of my insecurities. That they think I look stupid or say stupid things or that I’m full of myself or not cool enough, too fat, too thin, boring, ugly. That no-one will love me, hug me, kiss me, accept me or laugh at my truly shit banter. There’s definitely a trail of destruction left behind in my life by it all.

The thing is everyone feels like this at some point in their life.  No doubt sometimes you panic too and think ‘What the bloody hell am I doing here? I’m awful! I’m failing, I’m rubbish.’

I can’t fix it straight away, but the way I’m trying to look at it is that I might look a bit rougher round the edges than when I was 7 stone and running everyday, but I’m way closer to fulfilling the life I want to lead. With the right kind of help, a great attitude, a life balance and the knowledge that whatever I end up doing in a year will be freaking fantastic, I have total faith in myself. It’s been 8 long years of battling with this disease. I am definitely older and wiser and have learnt to cope with it at last.

I have faith in you too, no matter what your battle may be. You may even be affected by similar issues.

 

It can be really hard to talk about these things, especially because you don’t want people to make fun of you or disown you or talk about it behind your back. I really don’t care anymore. It’s time to talk about it, so I can really move on. Judge away. If I help one other person see that they’re not alone in this then it is totally worth it.

The best advice I could give you is to open up to people around you.

Share your fears and struggles with someone you trust.

I wish I could have chatted t o someone who understood what I was going through at the time.

If you’re having any issues, and you would like to talk to someone who understands, then feel free to contact me. I promise I will respond.

You’ll get through this. It doesn’t always feel like it but there is always a way.

I think the key is to learn how to cope with who you are and accept yourself rather than trying to change or fight who you have become.

We need to accept our pasts and our presents and not concern ourselves with worries of the future too much. What we should have or could have done is irrelevant. Learn from these mistakes and situations. They make us and shape us and we come out stronger. You are not alone. You are not the first, and you certainly wont be the last.

Just don’t give up.

Hippy Hoo Ha

Greater in battle
than the man who would conquer
a thousand-thousand men,
is he who would conquer
just one —
himself.

 

 

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Punching above my weight

Here is a sneaky wee peek of my as yet unfinished thigh piece, it’s still to get dot work shading added and will be extended too cos we ran outta time last week, but I DID really enjoy endure my Valentines gift to myself. I had to go to work straight after with an insanely red hot thigh all night but it was totally worth it! This is a photo of it still healing.

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As usual I have a million things I wanna mention….

First off:

On Tuesday night it was my ex boyfriend Alan’s birthday. We are still very close mates,and I’m sure we always will be, plus his family are like blood to me, and some of the funnest & funniest folk I know. Because of some random wisdom teeth removals/hand allergies/work commitments, out of the usual crazy crew, it ended up just being me, Alan and his dad, Ian, being the only ones able to make it out for dinner. We met up in Paisley and went for a train-waiting drink at The Last Post, which is your typical Wetherspoons style pub. We hopped on the train to Glasgow and stopped off at Ad Lib ( http://www.adlibglasgow.com/city-centre/ ) just across from Glasgow Central Station. They have a great mix of food options in their menu, and have really embraced this kinda USA southern comfort food idea, with a menu based on New Orleans style food,  lots of meat and big DIY burgers. I’m quite fussy but I bended my usual choices in order to have a wee bit of fun! We ordered the veg chilli nachos and  the salt & pepper squid for a starter to share between us. The squid was genuinely the nicest squid I have ever had, they had made it beautifully and it wasn’t that chewy yucky way at all, you normally get when you order squid or calamari. In fact it was really nicely presented too. (My phone ran outta battery too so I don’t even have photos!) Next up Alan & Ian ordered rib-eye steaks with onion rings & french fries (they were those lovely salty skinny fries) and I ticked one thing off my bucket list by ordering a full lobster… It’s something I have always wanted to try, and although I don’t eat very much meat at all I had to jump at the opportunity to try it. It was nice (I thought only the claw meat was decent & it was still a bit too creepy for me to enjoy) but now I’ve done it once, I probably wouldn’t do it again!

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We enjoyed a bottle of house Merlot, but also dabbled in their cocktail list, which I though was a bit expensive to be honest… £7 a cocktail?! Maybe I’m out of touch, but I work in a bar and I know if you’re ordering a simple cocktail like a Cosmo or whatever, they are not needing to charge that much, especially if you compare it to the price of a spirit mix, when that’s basically what they are with a few extras! Anyway I had the luxury of ordering the boys theirs whilst they were out for a smoke so I got Alan a “Cherry Cola” which was lovely but way too sweet for me, and I got Ian, who loves Jack Daniels, a bourbon based cocktail meanwhile I opted for a classic Jagerbomb. I really love Jagermeister, and the Jagerbombs here were sizeable! 🙂 We all had a great time at Ad Lib, the staff were great and chatty (hot South African waiter made it even better) and although we were the last people in, we didn’t feel pressured to leave, so I’d definitely recommend it! We went to The Steampunk Cafe, Drury Lane, to check it out, and although it was in the process of shutting we got in a half hour of pool and admired the decor.

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The bar dude was nice and friendly too and we were on first name terms by the time we left (half an hour later!) We then got a taxi to Nice n Sleazys,(‘cos it was pure heavy rainin’) where there was a Motown club night on downstairs. None of this night was planned and it was genuinely the most fun night out I’ve had in a really long time! We danced ’til 3am full of Black Russians. Our pals came and met us for a good wee boogie as they had tickets for Russell Brand who sadly, at the very last minute casually in a very messiah manner cancelled on no doubt hundreds of people who had altered their plans to try see him perform that night. Alan took me to see him for my birthday so I’ve already seen that show. It was alright. This Tuesday night was better 🙂 Work the next day however…

In other news:

Every Saturday from 12pm I attend a boxing class at Prolife Fitness Centre in Paisley http://www.prolifefitnesscentre.com/

I really love this gym and still go every Saturday for my boxing class even though I had to change gyms as I moved too far away to justify going to it anymore, plus I got plain lazy. The gym I did join is Abbey Mill fitness club http://www.abbeymillfitness.co.uk/ which I like for its simplicity and I hate working out in front of people, so they quieter the better, and as it’s round the corner I can try hit it when it’s at it’s quietest. I pay £5 every Saturday morning though to go to Gary “the heat” Murray’s class at Prolife. It’s supposed to be an hour or so but it is normally quite brutal and sometime runs to an hour and three quarters! At least you’re not being cheated of a workout though! Gary makes the class really fun and we’re always having a bit of a laugh whilst we are throwing the punches.

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It normally consists of a (quite intense) warmup, 2 x 3minute skipping rounds, then the gloves go on and we pair off, and make our way round to hitting Gary (the best part if you ask me) then after a good hour or so into the class we will warm down, or so he says, with lots of ab and strength work. It’s a great class and I’d recommend it to anyone who lives nearby. I also need a partner for this coming Saturday as my brother can’t make it…any takers?

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Photo above is my sister Cat, My brother Gord and me after a heavy class 🙂

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This is taken just after a really tough class. Not physically tough , but mentally. I really struggle sometimes but this class makes me feel strong, powerful and worthwhile. I love it and the banter, and I would recommend it to anyone else suffering from low self esteem ( although, i know you wouldn’t think i do, right)

QUICK NEWS SECTION:

I was guest co-presenter on PSG radio on Monday night  & we had to re record the whole hour long show again after we’d already recorded it  to make it audible for podcast cos a cable wasn’t in right, haha gutted! http://www.psgradio.com It streams 7-8pm every Monday, but if you miss it you can catch the podcasts online every week from the website.

I went out for my bestie Raquel’s birthday on Saturday and we may have frequented the Variety Bar, It was excellent, great night out!

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Raquel also has a blog, hers is http://raquelroman.wordpress.com/

She’s a super cute Chicago girl who I met many years ago in a cafe in Paisley, I remember she was so cute I made my boss in the cafe give her a job and from that time we have always been best pals.

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I wore this frilly pink bikini top with a striped tight over knee length skirt ( both from G21 @ Asda )  I have been so stuck for outfit options lately for events, I’ve only been able to run to Asda and it has totally surprised me to be honest! Great stuff!I got a beautiful kimono here too last month!

Cute Lola moment:

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I have much more to share but I have run outta readable time/space again so I will take a break tonight!

Thanks so much for reading!

Next time I’ve gotta update you on the Sailor Jerry’s competition I won and my home furniture haul!

Will update as soon as I can.

Lotsaaa,  love from Morvs 🙂

email me: punkmorvs@hotmail.com

twitta: https://twitter.com/punkmorvs

instagram: punkmorvs

facebook: facebook.com/hippyhooha

facebook.com/delilahcocklepop

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