It’s that time of year when everyone has been stressed out with Christmas, even me, who has a very understanding and carefree family. Even so, I have been mega stressed out the last few months (more so than usual.)
I try to be calm, but is it true that people who are very creative and aware struggle a lot during these times?
I feel like an alien often, I cannot understand how such a consumerist lifestyle has become so accepted. I cant get my head around it. I feel crazy for just wanting to say no to it all. Is it not enough that I love and care for everyone around me? Do I have to buy people things to let them know I love them? Actions speak louder than words for sure, and not everyone can buy fancy things for their loved ones.
In the last few years Christmas has become hard for me, I am a bit of a perfectionist and I like to make things for people but if I don’t think something is good enough I won’t give what I’ve created. I always feel like a disappointment at Christmas, because there are not enough hours in the day to create something perfect enough for everyone I love. I therefore have to rely on the fact that hopefully they know that i love them so much, no bought gift could say it and nothing I can create is perfect enough for them.
In the last few months I have realised that what happens is a panic attack. I seize up and panic, cry and cant breathe, and I haven’t understood this for years, but now I know, this happens for me especially before or during events like Christmas where I feel like I have to be so organized and perfect.
This is the kinda time where people often reflect on their year, and on reflection this year was one of the roughest times, following on from some really rough years before that too… I am learning and growing, I’m trying so hard, I want to be healthy and well, I want to forget my demons of the past, but it’s not about that I suppose. Without all of these past experiences I wouldn’t be who I am now. I know I’m not the best person, I know I’m not the best me, and I could be better, but I also know that every experience has altered my perception and I’ve learnt. I don’t hold grudges. If you hate me, I wish you love, If you love me or don’t know me, I wish you love, I genuinely do. I feel like the awkward person in the room. I’ve always been different and I always will be, but I guess you have to embrace it. There’s no other option really.
I don’t mean to be nasty or mean and I’d never try to hurt someone intentionally, but sometimes you get into situations where there’s confusion, and aloofness is not always the best trait to have. I’ve always wished I was more assertive, that I could let my fire out, because I feel like I have sat and taken so much shit from people in my life and been a walkover. If only I could stand up for myself, because deep down I really believed in me. But I don’t, I am so insecure and it drives me crazy. I look and act on the whole like someone who is very confident and secure and the majority of the time I am not.
I also find that when I am alone, anxiety is at its worst, but once I’m around friends/family I become an entertainer of sorts, I embrace this opportunity to have fun. But you cant always be surrounded by people and you most definitely cannot rely on anyone other than yourself for happiness.
One of the most vital things I have learnt over the last few years is to be happy for others, no matter what the circumstance.
It takes nothing to give a good intention. Often those who are mean to you or aggravate you are most in need of some love. This is true and I know this first hand, because whenever I am crabbit as hell, it is when I am most in need of love from others.
Don’t hold grudges.
Don’t judge people on one encounter.
None of us are perfect, we all have our moments of weakness where the facade falls. I pride myself on being happy and fun, but I can’t always do that. I cant always be a perfect person.
No-one is perfect.
It doesn’t exist!
The most beautiful thing in life is how different everyone is, the most interesting people to me aren’t trying to be cool, they just see things a bit different to the norm.
It doesn’t matter who you are to other people, you are you, you are special and unique, and there are people who love every ounce of your being.
I get sad.
I feel like I hate myself at times.
I get angry.
I cant get out of bed.
I feel inferior.
I don’t want to talk.
This is not the point in this post, but I do think that it is an important point to note that the internet is an amazing tool, but that people can choose what parts of their life are shown. You choose to highlight your strengths of course.
This Christmas I was overwhelmed, I felt like I was given too much, like my family expect more of me, and now I have so much to live up to.
I am a teeny little panicky anxious thing stuck inside the body of a confident 28 year old and I don’t know what to do.
I am not the man I was yesterday.